


Pink Bows and Holos

by missema



Series: Allyse Shepard, Space Cadet [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Memorials
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-24
Updated: 2012-02-24
Packaged: 2017-10-31 16:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/346193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missema/pseuds/missema
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Allyse Shepard dies on the Normandy, a heartbroken Kaidan attends her memorial.  Afterwards, he's left with his memories and a little bit more on Arcturus Station.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pink Bows and Holos

The sun shone brightly overhead, the beautiful day making Kaidan's heart heavier instead of lighter.  It was time, and he got into his dress uniform and went with a whole group of other people, the team from the Normandy, old friends, distant family, to Allyse Shepard's memorial.  Garrus had come, and there were a few salarians in attendance, members of the team from Virmire, but not many others from their fight with Saren.  Liara was gone, and Kaidan hadn't been able to get a message to her, Tali sending her condolences from the flotilla.  
  
There was no coffin, no body to bury.  Her requests had been a memorial service and a party, so that's what she was given, even though he was sure that no one could even imagine a real party without his Allyse.  She'd be the center of attention, the fire that kept everyone else going, and without her, everyone would stick to the sides.    
  
"You alright, Kaidan?"  Joker was seated next to him in the front row at the memorial, Captain Anderson on his other side.    
  
"I don't know, Joker.  It all seems a little surreal."  Kaidan answered honestly.

"I know.  Of all of us, Shepard shouldn't have been the one to go first."  Joker stated sadly.  Kaidan could see the guilt the pilot wore along with his grief and could think of nothing to comfort him. 

He hardly remembered anything of the memorial afterwards, there were people who shared stories about her, poems, one woman who sang a song, the tune coming out mournful and questioning.  A vid screen flashed pictures of her, and he looked until he couldn't bear it anymore, the montage of her face relentless on endless loop.  Allyse laughed soundlessly from the screen, saluted, drew her gun, smiled and marched back and forth, for everyone to see.  When it was over they folded a flag in her honor, and the Marines did their salute, passing the folded triangle of fabric to Anderson, who nodded solemnly and accepted the item, his dark eyes not daring to stare down at the item in his lap.  
  
Later Anderson found him, slumped in a chair as people milled about, talking about the food and the weather, anything but Allyse.  
  
"I think this belongs to you, Lieutenant."  Anderson said.  Kaidan looked up, and saw the folded flag in front of him, Anderson giving the last, most precious item of hers away to the man that needed it more.  
  
"Thank you, sir."  The few words were all that he could manage to get out, but they were enough.  Anderson patted him on the shoulder briefly before moving away, disappearing back into the crowd of people.  Kaidan left not soon after, unable to continue being in the huge group of noise, head pounding as he clutched the folded fabric to his chest.  
  
No, Kaidan didn't remember much about the service, but he remembered how he felt then, how he continued to feel.  An acute, painful longing for Allyse, to see her smile from something other than a holo or photo, to watch her move in real time, but not on a vid.  He wanted to hear her whisper his name again, to hear giggles that erupted in an unbidden flurry whenever she made a bad joke, to feel her legs wrapped around his.  Part of him refused, absolutely refused to acknowledge that she was dead, and that part took over at night, making him dream of her, waking up disappointed and heartbroken every morning.  He was lonely, felt abandoned and isolated without Allyse in the world.  Inside of his chest, Kaidan felt hollow and raw at the same time, feelings too intense to keep in, too private to talk about.  
  
"Lieutenant Alenko?"  A serviceman greeted him with a salute after being let into his temporary quarters.  "Package just arrived for you sir."  The young man didn't wait to be invited in, but finished his task and left with another salute.   
  
Kaidan was on Arcturus Station, the giant space station that housed the Alliance HQ.  He'd been summoned by Admiral Hackett to recall yet again, just what had gone wrong on the Normandy.  At least Hackett just wanted the facts and wouldn't bullshit him.  Both of them were looking for answers, willing to share their information with each other.  They didn't know what had hit them before the Normandy went down, but Hackett would be the first to know the results from the investigation.  
  
Pushing himself upright, off the cot he'd barely gotten up from today, and went over to see the package that had been left for him.  He expected it to be from his mom - she'd taken to sending care packages, and supportive emails after he'd lost it during a phone call, breaking down and telling her about Allyse.  She'd been shocked - Kaidan had never, ever mentioned Shepard in any way other than his CO, but she didn't stop him as ranted and raged, finally exhausting himself.   
  
The box looked official, and his eyes narrowed with suspicion - nothing from his mother ever came in an expensive, official box that required an ID scan to open.  Pressing his thumb to the box, the mini scanner verified him as Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko of the Systems Alliance and opened, the metal top popping up.  
  
Inside there were a few, strange items that really bore no relation to each other.  An old book, yellowed with age, the pages filled with botany information, a handful of small, dirty pink bows that one might see in the hair of a young girl, a silver hand mirror with a crack down the center.  There were a few other things, some holos, a digital photo album, a credit chit.  He had no idea what this mess was, and turned on the photo album looking for a clue.  
  
The first picture was the oldest, a couple, a man and a woman on a planet that definitely wasn't Earth, but was still green and fertile.  They were smiling, happy in the picture, and the man had big, grey eyes but he didn't recognize these people.  Kaidan stared down at the picture then put it down, turning on one of the holos instead.  It was a young girl, and she looked familiar enough that he knew.  
  
These had to be Allyse's things.  The girl in the holo would have been her sister, Amanda, complete with pink bows in her hair as she demurely smiled up at the invisible person who'd taken the holo, probably Allyse.  That had been her parents in the picture, the grey eyes on her father inherited, passed down to the woman he loved.  Kaidan picked up the album again, this time flipping to the end with a sense of anticipation coiling in his belly, hoping but not daring to hope.  Images assaulted him, pictures he hadn't even known about, things she must have uploaded to the album remotely.  There was he was, looking off into the distance, the image snapped without his knowledge.  Next, a sweet picture of Shepard and Ashely, the two of them shoulder to shoulder, smiling into the camera with Wrex scowling the background.  He traced Allyse's face with his finger, wishing that he had to power to bring both of them back.  
  
A week ago there had been a message that he couldn't bear to face, an email with a video attached that he didn't want to see.  But it was time now, because he owed it to her and if he didn't, these things would be haunting reminders her life, and not cherished mementos.  Kaidan pulled up the file, still avoiding the cold text of the email, he let the video play.   
  
He held his breath as Shepard's voice filled the room, his eyes treated to the sight of her as she'd been on the Normandy.  This was probably recorded before they went through the Mu Relay, maybe even before they took the ship from the Citadel.  She would have been sure to do this, to make sure they could patch into a comm buoy and that everything would be in order before they plunged into deep space after Saren.  
  
"I, Allyse Haley Shepard, Lieutenant Commander in the Systems Alliance and Spectre for the Citadel Council, of sound mind and body do hereby request that in the event of my death, all of my assets should be bestowed upon one Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko of the Systems Alliance Military.  
  
In the event that Lt. Alenko predeceases me, or in the event that our deaths coincide, I hereby state that my property should be divided as follows, to Captain David Anderson I bequeath..."


End file.
